Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
