We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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