Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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