peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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