if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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