false alarm. still invincible.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just invented taco cereal.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize