i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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