My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
