Just fell off a train. Bad.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
