Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
