sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
