whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
