Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
