i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
