If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
