I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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