Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
