I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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