maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
