I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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