She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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