My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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