she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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