The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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