What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i love accidental penises.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
