dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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