and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
