I got chris browned last night
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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