in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
