Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
