he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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