dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
