I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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