i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
