it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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