my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize