I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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