i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
