Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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