Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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