U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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