i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I enjoy the company of your penis
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize