I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
