It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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