Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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