I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
