who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
