Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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