WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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