I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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