How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
