My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
