I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
