I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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